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Sync by fant0m
www.addic7ed.com

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Space.

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What is it?

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The simple answer is, we don't know.

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Or at least, we didn't know until now.

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Hello, I'm Douglas Reynholm.

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And I'm not a scientist, but I
do have a better understanding

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of what space is than any
scientist living today.

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Where did I gain these
insights? From this man.

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The founder of Spaceology,
Beth Gaga Shaggy, no relation

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to either Lady Gaga or Shaggy,

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is the founder of Spaceology.

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A religion, not a cult.

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In other words, when it comes to space,

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he's the man with his
head screwed on tight.

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This is what he told me when I
met him on holiday two weeks ago.

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Space is invisible mind dust
and stars are but wishes.

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I mean, think about that!

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That means every star you
can see in the night sky

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is a wish that has come true.

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And they've come true

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because of something he
calls Spacestar Ordering.

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Spacestar Ordering is based on
the twin scientific principles

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of star maths and wishy thinking.

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If you'd like to know more, there
are thousands of Spaceology centres

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all over the UK.

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If that doesn't convince you,

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well, then, maybe you just don't
deserve to get what you want.

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Wow. You're a genius, Ray!
Love the special effects!

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How did you do that thing
where I'm spinning around?

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Well, in that bit, you're
actually spinning around.

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I'm glad you like the website, Mr... Reynholm,
I did spend quite a lot of time on it.

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It's brilliant, and well
worth every penny of the 50.

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100...Didn't we say 100?

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I never would have agreed to that.

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Ah, Jen! Guess who wanted a
helicopter this time last week

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and now, thanks to
Spacestar Ordering, has one?

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You?

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I'll give you a clue
- it ain't these chaps!

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You?

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You're a sceptic, Jen. You
should be more like these.

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They can't get enough of
my Spacestar Ordering story.

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Yes, yes, I noticed you've been
coming down here a lot more often

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because of all the questions.

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So, Mr. Reynholm, how did the
cosmos grant you a helicopter?

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Well, I visualised the thing I wanted.

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In my case, it was a helicopter.
I drew a picture of the helicopter

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on a piece of paper, then I
stood with my back to space,

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threw the paper over my
shoulder and wished really hard.

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When you say that you stood
with your back to space...Yes.

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...how exactly did you achieve that?

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I waited till night time.

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Of course.

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Couple of days later,
bought myself a helicopter.

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Explain that one, if you can!

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I wish the cosmos would make it
slightly harder to find our office.

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Don't worry, Jen, you'll get your wish,

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just as I one day,
I'll get my robot hand.

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Scientific mind, believes
in Spacestar Ordering.

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Who's getting the robot hand first?

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Hey, you're still up for tonight, right?

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I'll go if Moss goes.

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Sorry, Jen. I find music
confusing and annoying.

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Roy invited me to a gig once.
I didn't really enjoy it.

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You went to the wrong address.
You went to a swimming pool.

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Are you sure it's not swimming pools

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that you find confusing and annoying?

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You're right.

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It's not music I hate, it's swimming!

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You know what? I will come, Roy.

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Where's Moss? I can't believe
he's missing out on this.

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Where are they?

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I'm going to have to
go dance at the front.

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Aren't you a bit old for the front?

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I'm 31!

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Good for you, mate!

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Careful! My foot!

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You chill out, man!

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Jesus!

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Get out of town! You hooked
up with someone from the band?

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Wow, who was it?

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Norman.

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Norman? Oh, he's the drummer, right?

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The keyboard player.

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The keyboard player?

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Okay.

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Okay. What?

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No, it's just...

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The keyboard player? Really?!

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Yeah. What?

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It's just he's a bit geeky, isn't
he? I didn't think he was your type.

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Jen's going out with a geek!

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Are you sure it's not just
because he's in a band?

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Yes. I really am that shallow, Roy!

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I know you are.

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Yeah, I'm that shallow.

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You are, though. I mean,
you really, really are.

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Look, I like him.

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He doesn't say a lot, he's more of
a thinker. I think he's really cool.

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It's because he's in a
band! Oh, flippin' hell.

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Is this your back again?

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When did mosh pits become so unruly?

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I told you, you should get a massage.

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Oh, I've never enjoyed having massages.

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I don't like being naked
in front of strangers,

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and I can never relax if I think
someone might play Norah Jones.

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Who wants to hear another
Spacestar Ordering success story?

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Oh, wait, wait! Yeah, yeah.

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Okay, okay.

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Go!

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Last week, I decided I wanted
to learn how to do tattoos.

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So, I did the business.

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Bought a book on tattoos, read it,

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and now I know how to do tattoos. Look!

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My helicopter!

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Oh, that's brilliant.

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Let me see it... Ow!

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What the bloody hell's
wrong with you?

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I have a really bad back.

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You should see a masseuse.

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Don't see a masseuse!

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They're the biggest
con of the 20th century.

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I had a bad back, and I cured it,
thanks to the techniques outlined

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in this groundbreaking expose
of the massage industry.

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Go like this.

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And push your back up.

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Oh, for fuuu...!

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That's worse! That's way worse.

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It's terrible, isn't it?

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You told me that would make it better!

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No, no, no! That's how I
originally injured my back.

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You all right?

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Yeah, feels so much better already!

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So that's why I ended up
joining the parachute regiment.

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Ah, yeah, the Paras.

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That's the one I would have joined.

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But you know, fear of heights...

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Were you in the army?

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No.

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Right, I have to do a bit
of work on your thighs.

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Hey, you dowhat you need to do.

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Did you see that ludicrous
display last night?

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What was Mancini thinking, eh?

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The thing about Arsenal is,
they always try and walk it in.

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Arsenal?

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Whoever we're talking about.

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Right...

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nearly done.

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Oh, thanks again, man, this
really does feel so much better.

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Right.

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Oh, yeah!

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There we are. All finished.

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* I love him I love
him, I love him so. *

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Goodness me!

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What-what-what would you
term what just happened there?

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Norman says my voice is extraordinary.

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He's right.

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This is it, you know.

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This is the guy.

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This is the big one.

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There's nothing about him I don't like.

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When he's asleep, he makes this sound...

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a lovely, little, gentle purr.

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Oh, this is a long song.

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You know, the last few
days has been indescribable.

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Good.

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Hi, Roy!

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Hi, Roy.

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What?

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You okay?

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What?

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Are you all right?

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Is your back still hurting?
Didn't you go to see the masseuse?

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Yes, I did.

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Did it help?

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No.

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Are you okay?

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Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, fine.

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It's just you'vegot the same face
you have when you eat vegetables.

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Okay.

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Something happened.

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Something happened?

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Yes. When I was getting the
massage, the masseuse did something.

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Go on.

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Okay, I'm going to tell
you, but have to promise

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not to laugh at me, because this
whole thing has left me very shaken.

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- Okay. I promise I will not laugh.
- Okay.

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He kissed me on the arse.

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Sorry, I may have
misheard you there, Roy.

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What did you just say?

191
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I was enjoying the massage,

192
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everything had gone very, very well,

193
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but then at the end he just leaned down,

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and he gave me a big kiss on the arse.

195
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And you thought I'd find that funny?!

196
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Well, yeah, I suppose I did.

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On what planet would that be funny?

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Whereabouts on the arse did he kiss you?

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I don't know,

200
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just to the left of the...the
line that goes down the middle.

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The cleftal horizon.

202
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Is that what it's called?

203
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Yes, it is, but never mind
that, what happened next?

204
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Well,then I just got dressed and I left.

205
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Okay. Have you told Jen this?

206
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No, I was reallyafraid
she'd laugh at me.

207
00:12:43,404 --> 00:12:46,275
Do you think Jen's a monster?!

208
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She wouldn't laugh
- this man crossed the line!

209
00:12:48,644 --> 00:12:52,035
He is a member of the medical
profession. Roy, look at me.

210
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Look... at... me!

211
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There is nothing funny about this.

212
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I think he crossed the line.
I don't think it's funny.

213
00:13:03,524 --> 00:13:07,519
I mean, I was so relaxed, and then
that just tensed me right up again.

214
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,875
My hands were like that for an hour.

215
00:13:11,884 --> 00:13:15,395
I couldn't get them in
to my pockets to pay him.

216
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You paid him?!

217
00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:21,315
Roy, I've got to tell you, I
think you've got grounds to sue.

218
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Really?

219
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What is that?!

220
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That's Jen.

221
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That's what she does now.

222
00:13:31,164 --> 00:13:33,715
You should tell her.
You should tell her.

223
00:13:33,724 --> 00:13:34,835
What?

224
00:13:34,844 --> 00:13:36,955
Listen to this.

225
00:13:36,964 --> 00:13:39,035
Jen, you know that I
went for that massage?

226
00:13:39,044 --> 00:13:41,875
Yeah. You are not going to believe this.

227
00:13:41,884 --> 00:13:45,115
The bloke who did it
kissed me on my arse.

228
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:53,235
No, Jen, my masseuse
kissed me on my bum!

229
00:13:53,244 --> 00:13:56,195
My body went into spasms!

230
00:13:56,204 --> 00:13:59,315
My hands were like this for an hour!

231
00:13:59,324 --> 00:14:01,355
Stop it! You're killing me!

232
00:14:01,364 --> 00:14:05,359
You've got to spread
that kind of material out!

233
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,675
I can't believe this!

234
00:14:08,684 --> 00:14:12,679
So what's the problem? I know!
He doesn't write, he doesn't call!

235
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,875
- What, did you think he was coming on to you?
- I don't know!

236
00:14:18,884 --> 00:14:22,879
Maybe he's like the Michelangelo
of physical therapists

237
00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:26,315
and that was his signature.
Maybe he does it to everybody.

238
00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:30,075
Look, to be honest, I
don't care why he did it.

239
00:14:30,084 --> 00:14:32,715
All I know is that I was vulnerable.

240
00:14:32,724 --> 00:14:36,719
I was naked, and he
kissed me on my bottom.

241
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:40,515
I'll tell you something, this is
not the last he has heard of me.

242
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As God is my witness, no
man shall ever have to be

243
00:14:43,764 --> 00:14:47,355
kissed on the bottom unexpectedly
because of this man ever again.

244
00:14:47,364 --> 00:14:51,359
Will you stop laughing?!

245
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:56,195
This is the first time
I've left before you.

246
00:14:56,204 --> 00:14:59,755
We're looking up legal precedents
of Roy being kissed on the arse.

247
00:14:59,764 --> 00:15:03,115
Don't sue him, Roy.
You'll get on the news.

248
00:15:03,124 --> 00:15:05,075
Don't listen to her.
Everyone will laugh!

249
00:15:05,084 --> 00:15:08,555
No-one will laugh! Come on, help
us bring this monster to justice!

250
00:15:08,564 --> 00:15:12,559
I can't. The band are playing a new
song tonight, they want my opinion.

251
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,700
You know to just say,
"It's great," right?

252
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:17,399
Roy, I am a person. With
thoughts and opinions.

253
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:20,595
No. You're not.

254
00:15:20,604 --> 00:15:22,915
Jen, please, just say, "It's great."

255
00:15:22,924 --> 00:15:26,919
When people like that ask you what you think,
all they want tohear is that they're geniuses.

256
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:31,599
Goodbye.

257
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:35,715
She... is... evil.

258
00:15:35,724 --> 00:15:39,719
Spacestar ordering
success story number three.

259
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:44,679
My tattoo got infected, so
they've had to cut off my arm!

260
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:50,039
I am getting a robot hand!

261
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,315
* In the war... *

262
00:15:55,324 --> 00:15:59,319
* I am beautiful... *

263
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,515
Beautiful. Really beautiful.

264
00:16:02,524 --> 00:16:03,555
Thank you.

265
00:16:03,564 --> 00:16:07,559
It's just a great song.
Really, really great.

266
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:21,919
If you forced me to give one criticism, it'd
be that maybe it goes on just a bit too long.

267
00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:26,675
- Apart from that, perfect.
- Okay.

268
00:16:26,684 --> 00:16:30,679
Listen, Tim, Mary's not going to make it
tonight. What'll we do about backing vocals?

269
00:16:35,844 --> 00:16:38,395
I'd love to!

270
00:16:38,404 --> 00:16:40,955
Moss, can I ask you a question?

271
00:16:40,964 --> 00:16:42,595
Sure.

272
00:16:42,604 --> 00:16:45,995
Do I have to testify?

273
00:16:46,004 --> 00:16:49,035
I can't make that decision for you, Roy.

274
00:16:49,044 --> 00:16:51,195
You've just got to ask
yourself one thing -

275
00:16:51,204 --> 00:16:53,395
if you don't take the stand,

276
00:16:53,404 --> 00:16:57,399
how many more unsolicited bum kisses will
be administered by that lip-happy bastard?

277
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:01,435
No, you're right, I know you're
right. I do want to testify.

278
00:17:01,444 --> 00:17:04,675
I'm just afraid that
they're going to laugh at me.

279
00:17:04,684 --> 00:17:06,995
What if they're all...what
if they're all like Jen?

280
00:17:07,004 --> 00:17:09,035
They're not going to laugh, Roy.

281
00:17:09,044 --> 00:17:11,115
No-one's like Jen.

282
00:17:11,124 --> 00:17:12,755
No-one.

283
00:17:12,764 --> 00:17:16,759
I've come to realise she's
actually a very odd person.

284
00:17:19,364 --> 00:17:21,595
Well, good luck tonight, everyone!

285
00:17:21,604 --> 00:17:24,755
Are you a big Stevie Nicks fan,
Jen? Stevie Nicks? Yeah, yeah.

286
00:17:24,764 --> 00:17:28,759
Oh, God. Thanks so much for
this, guys, I'm so excited.

287
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:32,035
I've never done anything
like this before.

288
00:17:32,044 --> 00:17:36,039
I can't believe you want me
to do it! I won't let you down.

289
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:53,635
So, Norman, we've had a talk.

290
00:17:53,644 --> 00:17:57,235
We think we're going to go back to
not having a keyboard in the band.

291
00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:58,675
Oh, no!

292
00:17:58,684 --> 00:18:01,835
Yeah, I'm sorry, but we'll
see you both again soon, yeah?

293
00:18:01,844 --> 00:18:05,839
Wait! I'm out too?

294
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:18,995
And the defendant gave no indication

295
00:18:19,004 --> 00:18:22,999
that he had any intention
of kissing you on the bottom?

296
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:27,199
No indication whatsoever. He just
kissed me on my bottom. Out of nowhere.

297
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:31,595
What was the result?

298
00:18:31,604 --> 00:18:35,355
Well, I had nightmares about it.

299
00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:39,359
And I can't stop washing my bottom.

300
00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:43,439
And I find it hard to trust masseurs.

301
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:48,435
Where exactly did he kiss you?

302
00:18:48,444 --> 00:18:51,875
It was in the middle. In
the middle of your bottom?

303
00:18:51,884 --> 00:18:55,835
Well, just to the left
of the cleftal horizon.

304
00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:58,515
In layman's terms,
please, Mr. Trenneman.

305
00:18:58,524 --> 00:19:02,519
Oh, I'm sorry, your Honour.
Just to the left of the bum line.

306
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,035
Just above the thigh?

307
00:19:06,044 --> 00:19:08,155
Well above the thigh.

308
00:19:08,164 --> 00:19:10,555
It was on my bottom.

309
00:19:10,564 --> 00:19:12,875
Although it is true, is it not,

310
00:19:12,884 --> 00:19:16,879
that what some people call their
bottom, others might call their hip.

311
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:21,315
No, he kissed my bottom, sir.

312
00:19:21,324 --> 00:19:25,319
But is it not true... He
kissed me on my bottom!

313
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:34,395
Why is no-one laughing?

314
00:19:34,404 --> 00:19:36,635
It's no laughing matter, Jen.

315
00:19:36,644 --> 00:19:40,639
We Spaceologists take this
kind of thing very seriously.

316
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:42,915
Are all these people Spaceologists?

317
00:19:42,924 --> 00:19:46,715
Yes, this trial could bring the
massage industry to its knees.

318
00:19:46,724 --> 00:19:50,719
And you'll find they take this
case with the gravity it deserves.

319
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:56,199
Perhaps Mr. Trenneman might be able to
help us with the aid of this diagram.

320
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:04,119
Could you please place this
picture of the defendant...

321
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:10,159
...on the area where
you say he kissed you?

322
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:27,555
That was where the incident happened.

323
00:20:27,564 --> 00:20:30,435
I think that's accurate. Oh,
you think that is accurate?

324
00:20:30,444 --> 00:20:34,315
Yes.Only a moment ago you were
quite sure, yet now you only think.

325
00:20:34,324 --> 00:20:36,235
You're twisting my words.

326
00:20:36,244 --> 00:20:40,239
Is it not true that this may simply be an artist,
proud of his work, signing off with a flourish?

327
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,115
That is not the point.

328
00:20:44,124 --> 00:20:46,195
Yes, thank you, Mr.
Trenneman. That will be all.

329
00:20:46,204 --> 00:20:48,155
My arse is not a canvas!

330
00:20:48,164 --> 00:20:50,675
I said, that will be all, thank you.

331
00:20:50,684 --> 00:20:53,275
My bottom is not a kissing post, sir.

332
00:20:53,284 --> 00:20:59,279
Okay, you can dress this up however you like,
with your fancy words, but the truth remains

333
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:03,599
that man, sitting there,
kissed me on my bike rack

334
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:07,115
and I was not expecting it

335
00:21:07,124 --> 00:21:10,195
and it rendered an
expensive massageworthless.

336
00:21:10,204 --> 00:21:11,275
Your Honour, please.

337
00:21:11,284 --> 00:21:15,279
And I am here today so that no man
need be kissed on his sweetmeats

338
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:20,199
by this man ever again, unless they have
arranged it beforehand for some reason.

339
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,435
Will you be silent?
I will not be silent!

340
00:21:23,444 --> 00:21:26,315
I will never be silent!

341
00:21:26,324 --> 00:21:29,955
I will not stop until
those lips are behind bars!

342
00:21:29,964 --> 00:21:32,475
How dare you?

343
00:21:32,484 --> 00:21:36,479
I trusted you. My trouser
hams are not for sale, sir!

344
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:42,759
I put my arse in your hands.

345
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:47,799
I rest my case.

346
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:38,595
I'd have used my robot hand for good.

347
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:02,499
Wake up!

348
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:10,000
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