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Transcript: SimonP
Synchro: Sixe for swsub.com
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And then Peter said, "Brie...
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that's my favourite cheese as well. "
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And that was when my bag...
I don't know what happened,
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it just kind of split open.
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Apples and oranges everywhere.
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And we tumbled about.
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Yeah. Like a pair of
confused little kittens.
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And when Peter had helped me
pick everything up, well...
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it just seemed rude not
to give him my number.
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Hey, you asked for my number!
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Ha, ha, ha, I'm not a slut.
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Oh, is that the end of the story?
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OK, are we all set for tonight?
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Yes. Can you please bring me some wine?
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That was some... ah...
Buying the same sort of cheese.
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Ah, you made a
20-minute story out of it.
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Have you thought of
adapting it into a film?
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No.
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Well done, you've bagged a normal.
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Yes.
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He is proper normal, isn't he?
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He's taking me to Paris
this weekend.
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Ah, Paris.
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Have you been to Paris, Moss?
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No. I've heard of it.
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- Brie?
- Yeah, what?
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Nothing. I had you down a
Double-Gloucester-type person.
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Yes, I know what you mean.
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Oh, it's been ages
since I had a mini-break.
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Not only that but all of my friends
are single
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and so are all of his
so tonight we're gonna have
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a big dinner party and...
It's gonna be brilliant.
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Or perhaps
that should be brie-lliant.
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D'you know, it is really
important to me that you like him.
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No, honestly, it is cos I...
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I know we had some rocky beginnings
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but I really think of you now,
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not just as my workmates,
but as friends.
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- Stop it!
- No, I... I mean that.
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I really do.
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You're really important to me.
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Listen, Jen, I've got some bad news,
Colin can't make it tonight.
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Oh. But Steve and Jake
are still coming?
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Colin was bringing them.
I don't know them well,
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it'd be uncomfortable without Colin.
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I suppose we'll have to call
the whole thing off.
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Unless you can find
three guys to replace them.
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Oh... Yeah...
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I... Bit of dust.
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I'm gonna...
definitely later phone the, um...
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Strange... Oh, look at that...
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Oh, I can't... I can't...
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It's my home, it's my special place,
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I can't let you nut-jobs in!
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"Nut-jobs"? I hope you're
not including me in that.
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Wait a second, we were all
"brilliant friends" a minute ago.
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Yes, yes,
I meant friends in a different way,
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in a kind of special way that
means you can't come into my home.
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Right, so sort of like
not being your friends at all.
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Yes, yes, sort of like that
but in a really. special way.
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This is your lowest moment, you know.
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I think I can live with it.
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Roy, can you look at my PC, please?
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It keeps freezing.
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Did you hear something, Moss?
I thought I heard a noise.
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I didn't hear anything, Roy. Unless
it was some kind of stupid mouse.
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Yeah, or... or a rat.
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Yes, I think it did
sound more like a rat.
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I know I was horrible. I'm sorry.
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Oh, Richmond...
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Oh, Richmond, not you too.
I'm sorry, Richmond...
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Hello!
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I smell food!
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What are you doing?
Don't sit down yet.
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Why not? I'm tired.
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That's the rules.
We stand around a bit first.
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- We have drinks.
- Where's Peter?
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In the kitchen.
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Can I go to the toilet?
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Yes, you may. You don't need to ask.
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It's just down there to the left.
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There you go.
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Ah, thank you, Roy.
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How lovely. White wine.
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Never seen a wine actually called
"White Wine" before!
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Thank you, Roy.
What are you drinking?
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Red wine, please.
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- Richmond?
- Do you have Absinthe?
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- No.
- I only drink Absinthe.
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Absinthe, no.
Red wine, white wine, Carlsberg?
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Oh, Carlsberg, perfect.
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Oh, that was quick.
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I washed my hands.
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What d'you want to drink?
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White Russian.
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A white Russian?
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Oh, for God's sake!
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Documentaries...
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Balsamic vinegar...
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Conversation...
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Oh, apparently one of
Jen's friends is a model.
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I bagsy the model.
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Er, Jen?
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Jen! Um, we've discussed it
as a group
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and we think it would be best if
I were to sit beside the model...
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because, um,
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I would like to ask her how I would
go about becoming a photographer.
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Or... or a model.
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Paula?
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Oh, she'll appreciate that.
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She's just had reconstructive
face surgery so she'll be happy
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to have someone to talk to.
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Right.
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It's really brave of her to come out
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because she was in
a really bad car accident
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so you have to be extra nice to her.
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Car accident.
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Brilliant. Just my luck.
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I'll be honest, the reason
I got you round a bit early
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is to go over some ground rules, OK?
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If this evening is gonna work
in any way
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you need to pretend
to be normal people, yeah?
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Keep the conversation about things
that would interest everybody.
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You know, nothing about memory
or RAM.
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Memory is RAM. Oh, dear.
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If you stray into areas I don't
think appropriate, I'll...
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I don't know, I'll... I'll cough.
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Coughing is the signal.
Richmond, did you hear that?
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What?
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If Jen coughs we
have to stop talking.
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Fine.
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Moss, this is important,
I'm sitting you beside Margaret.
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Margaret, from her name
I presume she's a lay-dee?
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Yes.
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She's nice. She got divorced
recently but I should say
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when she's had a few drinks
she tends to get a bit...
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over excited.
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Needs to go to the toilet a lot.
That happens to me.
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I try to think of something dry,
like the desert or...
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Shredded wheat.
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You don't understand.
What I'm saying is she's kind of...
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She's kind of on the look out
for a man.
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Ah, I see.
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What does he look like?
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He wouldn't come here -
not with all these people around.
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What's this about?
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Jen's friend has got a stalker.
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Cool.
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Oh, God,
maybe I could just kill myself.
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Here they are, so look normal.
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Look more normal, more normal.
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Relax.
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Forget it!
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Hello. Come in.
156
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Hello. I'm Roy.
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I'm sorry about the accident.
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Hello.
159
00:09:19,578 --> 00:09:20,807
This is Paula.
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Yep, I know.
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I was... talking to her.
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Did you think I was talking to you?
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This is Jessica.
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Hello, everybody.
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Oh, my God. Social situations.
166
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Oh, bloody hell,
I think this is my one.
167
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These are my workmates.
168
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They're not my usual friends.
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I work with them,
they're my workmates.
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Oh, yes.
IT department does not compute.
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Oh, my God!
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You must be Roy.
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Yep.
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00:10:00,206 --> 00:10:01,515
Hello, everybody.
175
00:10:02,159 --> 00:10:05,936
I have had a few drinks already so
no-one take advantage of me.
176
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Oh, go on then!
177
00:10:25,023 --> 00:10:26,866
I was very pleased
with my last campaign.
178
00:10:27,468 --> 00:10:29,154
I just started running it today.
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That's you!
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OK...
181
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Yeah...
182
00:10:41,389 --> 00:10:46,115
So... how bad was the accident?
183
00:10:46,366 --> 00:10:49,739
Well, a motorbike jumped the lights
and so I swerved into a lamppost.
184
00:10:49,994 --> 00:10:52,248
The airbag didn't deploy
so I hit the dashboard.
185
00:10:52,445 --> 00:10:54,775
- With your facial area.
- I hit it full in the face.
186
00:10:55,106 --> 00:10:56,577
Of course you did!
187
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Speed?
188
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I was doing about 75.
189
00:11:00,999 --> 00:11:02,214
Cor!
190
00:11:03,039 --> 00:11:04,568
That's fast! That's...
191
00:11:06,215 --> 00:11:08,117
When you regained consciousness,
192
00:11:08,733 --> 00:11:13,438
did you look in the mirror and think,
"Oh, God, my face is ruined"?
193
00:11:14,216 --> 00:11:16,451
They didn't let me see
my face after the accident.
194
00:11:18,092 --> 00:11:19,287
Ah.
195
00:11:19,797 --> 00:11:20,993
I see.
196
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:24,043
They said it might not be
as symmetrical as it once had been,
197
00:11:24,246 --> 00:11:26,219
but symmetry isn't everything.
198
00:11:26,376 --> 00:11:28,041
Yeah... I like symmetry.
199
00:11:29,269 --> 00:11:33,230
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it,
I'm trying to eat my dinner!
200
00:11:36,030 --> 00:11:41,675
Gosh. Ooh, oh dear, look at us
having a conversation. Yikes!
201
00:11:43,009 --> 00:11:46,322
Getting to know you,
getting to know all about you!
202
00:11:47,503 --> 00:11:51,111
Mm, eating! Ooh, hello, how are you?
203
00:11:51,370 --> 00:11:53,488
"Ooh, I'm a fish.
Help, I'm being eaten!"
204
00:12:01,173 --> 00:12:04,624
You know when you laugh,
I can see the outline of your skull.
205
00:12:06,405 --> 00:12:07,954
You have a beautiful skull.
206
00:12:15,066 --> 00:12:17,450
OK...
207
00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:19,621
So the surgeon...
208
00:12:19,826 --> 00:12:21,049
- Yeah?
- Good man?
209
00:12:21,176 --> 00:12:22,738
Very. He did his own nose.
210
00:12:24,304 --> 00:12:26,829
And did you meet him
before the operation?
211
00:12:27,006 --> 00:12:28,937
Yeah, he ran me through it.
He was really nice.
212
00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:30,279
Confident?
213
00:12:30,437 --> 00:12:31,790
Why are you so interested?
214
00:12:33,398 --> 00:12:39,608
My... mother is... thinking
of having a breast augmentation.
215
00:12:39,762 --> 00:12:40,762
I see.
216
00:12:40,909 --> 00:12:43,156
Yeah. Always wanted them bigger!
217
00:12:43,433 --> 00:12:46,413
But I promised I'd get them
for her birthday.
218
00:12:47,978 --> 00:12:49,221
Her 60th is coming up.
219
00:12:49,382 --> 00:12:50,509
Right.
220
00:12:52,568 --> 00:12:56,411
Well, I think a round of applause
is justified for that dinner.
221
00:13:00,004 --> 00:13:02,545
Yes, and thanks, Peter,
for making it.
222
00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:06,115
So, who's for dessert?
223
00:13:06,482 --> 00:13:07,602
Isn't this dessert?
224
00:13:07,756 --> 00:13:09,227
No, that's tartare sauce.
225
00:13:10,871 --> 00:13:12,322
- Can I have some dessert?
- Yeah.
226
00:13:12,479 --> 00:13:15,479
I'll have the tartare sauce.
Stop it! Stop it!
227
00:13:15,644 --> 00:13:17,114
Look how ticklish he is!
228
00:13:17,254 --> 00:13:18,902
- Stop it!
- Come on!
229
00:13:21,543 --> 00:13:23,504
Jen, can you do something
about that woman?
230
00:13:23,731 --> 00:13:25,292
- I warned you about her.
- When?
231
00:13:25,443 --> 00:13:27,051
I spent ten minutes
trying to warn you.
232
00:13:27,185 --> 00:13:28,506
I can see why she's divorced.
233
00:13:28,691 --> 00:13:29,888
She's very divorceable.
234
00:13:30,044 --> 00:13:32,574
You can't wait to take her to court
to get rid of her!
235
00:13:32,708 --> 00:13:34,220
What are you doing?
236
00:13:34,557 --> 00:13:37,161
Well, not that
it's any of your business,
237
00:13:37,299 --> 00:13:39,436
but I was planning
to have a little poo.
238
00:13:40,969 --> 00:13:43,148
No, no, I mean with Paula.
239
00:13:43,369 --> 00:13:46,239
You keep asking her all those
questions about her accident.
240
00:13:46,382 --> 00:13:47,402
I'm interested!
241
00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:49,613
You're wondering
what state her face is in.
242
00:13:49,785 --> 00:13:50,986
Was that obvious?
243
00:13:51,314 --> 00:13:52,833
I suppose I better go back in there
244
00:13:52,975 --> 00:13:54,681
and see what Judy Finnegan's up to!
245
00:13:54,985 --> 00:13:57,808
If this keeps on going on
I will divorce her.
246
00:13:58,043 --> 00:13:59,279
You're not married to her.
247
00:14:00,243 --> 00:14:02,271
No, I suppose...
I suppose I'm not.
248
00:14:02,408 --> 00:14:04,236
Come on, behave yourselves.
249
00:14:04,457 --> 00:14:06,633
There's still a chance
to save this thing.
250
00:14:07,076 --> 00:14:08,762
Oh... why...
251
00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:22,970
Sorry, I couldn't hear you.
252
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:31,844
I said, "Do you think you'd die
if you drank wee?"
253
00:14:33,318 --> 00:14:35,230
I don't know, but it's
a bloody good question.
254
00:14:35,498 --> 00:14:38,978
Here's a question - who here
would eat a spider? I would.
255
00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:43,693
I ate an eel in New York but I
was on stage so it doesn't count.
256
00:14:44,104 --> 00:14:47,147
Ah, New York, the city of apples.
257
00:14:48,372 --> 00:14:51,213
Peter, I got that link
for the Firefox extension.
258
00:14:51,333 --> 00:14:53,038
What's your e-mail address?
259
00:14:53,169 --> 00:14:54,988
- Do you have a pen?
- I'm recording.
260
00:14:55,426 --> 00:14:57,622
It's filepeter@hotmail. com.
261
00:14:58,319 --> 00:15:00,328
"Filepeter"? And why "filepeter"?
262
00:15:00,574 --> 00:15:02,487
Well, File is my second name.
263
00:15:02,884 --> 00:15:05,080
Oh, right, I see. Peter File.
264
00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:06,609
Who's a paedophile?
265
00:15:07,942 --> 00:15:10,472
No, no, his name is Peter File.
266
00:15:10,807 --> 00:15:12,203
His name is paedophile?
267
00:15:12,463 --> 00:15:14,218
Don't say it like that!
268
00:15:15,326 --> 00:15:16,817
It sounds like "paedophile".
269
00:15:16,993 --> 00:15:18,130
That what he just said.
270
00:15:18,258 --> 00:15:19,960
No. "Peter File".
271
00:15:20,369 --> 00:15:22,665
- Paedo File?
- PETER... File.
272
00:15:23,119 --> 00:15:25,053
- Who's a paedophile?
- No-one.
273
00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:27,349
Right.
It just sounds like "paedophile".
274
00:15:27,477 --> 00:15:28,747
No, no, it doesn't.
275
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,660
Does a bit. "Peter File. "
276
00:15:30,833 --> 00:15:32,064
"Peter File"? It does.
277
00:15:36,014 --> 00:15:37,543
Yes, I suppose it does!
278
00:15:40,254 --> 00:15:42,371
I hadn't noticed so...
279
00:15:43,487 --> 00:15:45,527
It doesn't worry you, does it?
280
00:15:45,882 --> 00:15:47,123
No, no.
281
00:15:48,853 --> 00:15:50,482
Of course it doesn't.
282
00:15:52,255 --> 00:15:55,783
They say "PED-o-phile" in America.
Maybe you should move to America!
283
00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:57,705
He's not moving to America!
284
00:16:01,167 --> 00:16:02,718
Raiders Of The Lost Ark?
285
00:16:05,829 --> 00:16:07,113
Circle Of Friends?
286
00:16:07,427 --> 00:16:08,545
It's so obvious!
287
00:16:08,702 --> 00:16:09,741
No speaking!
288
00:16:09,905 --> 00:16:11,556
I've been standing here
for ten minutes.
289
00:16:11,713 --> 00:16:12,983
Where's Richmond and Jessica?
290
00:16:13,150 --> 00:16:14,565
Pirates Of The Caribbean!
291
00:16:15,123 --> 00:16:16,722
How was that
Pirates Of The Caribbean?
292
00:16:16,885 --> 00:16:18,663
I don't know
but it was a great movie!
293
00:16:18,908 --> 00:16:20,779
Johnny Depp, what a revelation!
294
00:16:21,590 --> 00:16:22,991
It's Crash!
295
00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:24,832
It's very obviously Crash!
296
00:16:24,998 --> 00:16:27,652
Here's a car crashing
into another car,
297
00:16:27,835 --> 00:16:31,108
there's people screaming
and... oh, Paula!
298
00:16:33,207 --> 00:16:35,593
Let's play Spin The Bottle!
299
00:16:35,758 --> 00:16:36,973
Oh, for God's sake!
300
00:16:37,118 --> 00:16:38,487
- Oh, what?
- Nothing.
301
00:16:38,631 --> 00:16:40,141
Oh, I'm embarrassing him!
302
00:16:40,270 --> 00:16:41,652
You're making a fool of yourself!
303
00:16:41,819 --> 00:16:43,528
He's a delicate flower.
304
00:16:43,671 --> 00:16:44,903
You are drunk!
305
00:16:45,078 --> 00:16:47,254
If you paid more attention to me...
306
00:16:47,432 --> 00:16:49,051
Oh, tell me, Margaret, tell us all,
307
00:16:49,205 --> 00:16:51,911
how could we pay
any more attention to you?
308
00:16:52,092 --> 00:16:53,275
Oh, you've changed.
309
00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:56,251
You're not the same man I liked
when I came into the party.
310
00:16:57,070 --> 00:16:58,678
We've all changed, Margaret.
311
00:16:59,550 --> 00:17:01,001
We all have.
312
00:17:15,356 --> 00:17:17,697
Oh, for God's sake!
313
00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:21,761
Night, Jen.
Roy's gonna walk me home.
314
00:17:21,967 --> 00:17:23,183
Oh, lovely.
315
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:24,972
You know, it's just
in case any kind of
316
00:17:25,133 --> 00:17:27,009
elephant man mob situation kicks off.
317
00:17:30,881 --> 00:17:32,972
Sorry about Margaret,
it won't happen again.
318
00:17:33,183 --> 00:17:35,136
Oh, fiddly-do.
319
00:17:35,443 --> 00:17:37,178
Come on, let's get you home.
320
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,114
- Goodbye, Jen.
- Bye, Jen.
321
00:17:42,599 --> 00:17:43,781
Bye.
322
00:17:44,507 --> 00:17:45,912
Oh, my God!
323
00:17:53,472 --> 00:17:56,074
Nightmare!
An absolute nightmare.
324
00:17:56,195 --> 00:17:57,274
What d'you mean?
325
00:17:57,459 --> 00:18:00,685
Well, I always have this theory
that if you let your work life
326
00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:04,985
mix with your personal life,
then somehow something will go wrong.
327
00:18:05,494 --> 00:18:06,844
But nothing has, has it?
328
00:18:07,097 --> 00:18:08,430
I think it all went rather well.
329
00:18:08,633 --> 00:18:09,829
Everyone seemed to pair off.
330
00:18:09,986 --> 00:18:11,836
It's what you want
from an evening like this.
331
00:18:11,974 --> 00:18:13,248
I suppose so.
332
00:18:13,766 --> 00:18:15,421
You're going to have
to face the fact
333
00:18:15,666 --> 00:18:18,852
you run a very successful
dinner party, Jen Barber.
334
00:18:19,570 --> 00:18:22,568
You didn't do too badly yourself,
"paedophile".
335
00:18:28,631 --> 00:18:29,846
Thanks for walking me home.
336
00:18:30,023 --> 00:18:31,474
That's OK. Goodbye.
337
00:18:32,050 --> 00:18:33,461
Woah!
338
00:18:38,448 --> 00:18:39,985
- You live here?!
- Yeah.
339
00:18:42,305 --> 00:18:43,764
That's a big telly.
340
00:18:45,011 --> 00:18:48,050
Oh, and all the consoles.
You've got all of the consoles.
341
00:18:48,722 --> 00:18:50,036
Why d'you have all the consoles?
342
00:18:50,173 --> 00:18:52,899
I'd hate it if a game came out
on one and I couldn't play it
343
00:18:53,477 --> 00:18:55,446
so it's better to get them all.
Don't you think?
344
00:18:55,572 --> 00:18:56,622
I do think.
345
00:19:00,077 --> 00:19:01,868
And a man doesn't live here?
346
00:19:02,188 --> 00:19:03,345
No, just me.
347
00:19:05,988 --> 00:19:07,916
Woah, gee!
348
00:19:10,696 --> 00:19:11,955
I'm gonna gamble.
349
00:19:12,195 --> 00:19:13,422
What?
350
00:19:14,801 --> 00:19:17,106
Would you like to come
for a drink some time?
351
00:19:17,274 --> 00:19:19,658
- Oh.
- You know, like a date?
352
00:19:19,854 --> 00:19:20,905
What the hell?
353
00:19:21,065 --> 00:19:22,462
Roy, I'm very flattered...
354
00:19:22,654 --> 00:19:24,915
Good. Of course you are. Thursday?
355
00:19:25,092 --> 00:19:26,504
...But you're not my type.
356
00:19:27,990 --> 00:19:29,018
What?
357
00:19:29,146 --> 00:19:30,540
I mean physically.
358
00:19:31,425 --> 00:19:32,673
Physically?
359
00:19:34,580 --> 00:19:35,932
Hello.
360
00:19:37,295 --> 00:19:38,787
I think I can do better.
361
00:19:43,420 --> 00:19:44,695
OK.
362
00:19:55,496 --> 00:19:57,019
- Can I have a lend of this?
- No.
363
00:20:04,701 --> 00:20:06,367
Listen... Jen.
364
00:20:07,723 --> 00:20:10,822
When we get back, maybe we should
think about, I don't know,
365
00:20:11,530 --> 00:20:14,404
moving your stuff over to my place,
vice versa, I don't mind but...
366
00:20:15,594 --> 00:20:17,770
I think it's time we moved
onto the next level,
367
00:20:18,321 --> 00:20:20,968
- don't you?
Yes. Yes, definitely.
368
00:20:22,056 --> 00:20:23,252
Great.
369
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:26,129
If there is a
Peter File in the terminal building
370
00:20:26,286 --> 00:20:28,382
could he please make his way to Gate 24?
371
00:20:28,768 --> 00:20:30,630
We are looking for a Peter File.
372
00:20:31,524 --> 00:20:33,446
24... we're at the wrong gate!
373
00:20:34,618 --> 00:20:37,285
Could Peter File please make himself
known to ground staff?
374
00:20:37,814 --> 00:20:39,059
I'm Peter File!
375
00:20:39,216 --> 00:20:41,238
We are looking for a Peter File.
376
00:20:41,476 --> 00:20:42,750
I'm Peter File!
377
00:20:42,966 --> 00:20:44,544
Wait here! I'm Peter File!
378
00:20:44,732 --> 00:20:47,313
Hold on! Come on, Jen.
I'm Peter File!
379
00:20:47,831 --> 00:20:49,419
I'm Peter File!
380
00:20:49,959 --> 00:20:52,842
It's "Peter File" not "paedophile".
381
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,237
Taxi!
382
00:21:09,839 --> 00:21:12,113
It's very loud,
mind if I turn it down?
383
00:21:12,333 --> 00:21:14,240
I wouldn't do that.
I wouldn't do that!
384
00:21:19,024 --> 00:21:22,631
Oh, dear, look at me,
having an orgasm!